Ghent, September 30th 2024.
Dear reader,
I'm back on the radar after a looooooong summers break. How are you doing? How was summer? And did you survive September?
It's been a while, but here I am again with an update. The summer has ended and we are gently moving into a new season. With temperatures dropping and days slowly getting shorter, I'm getting ready to pack. I have decided to go back to Cape Town and set-up camp there for a few months.
I have my house set-up, my spinning studio lined-up, my hiking club membership at hand and a big list of places to go. The only thing left for me to do is go and make friends to share experiences with.
With just four weeks left before take-off it is time to get back to writing. Which brings me to my first big topic ... Friendships.
This year has been very challenging, my personal life especially. I have felt unsettled, disconnected from my "environment" and I am now in the process of figuring-out what it all means.
One event in particular has pulled the rug from under my feet and has catapulted me into spaces I'd rather not visit too often. It all felt like "a dark night of the soul" revisited. But I have done the work, faced "my darlings" and learned. Now I'm slowly getting ready to move forward.
I'm not yet ready to share the details of what exactly happened, because I'm still processing. But once I do, you will have the full story in your inbox.
Because of it all, I am finding myself in the midst of a transition. That's usually how it goes. Something happens which unlocks an avelange of emotions, leaving you questioning yourself, life and everything around you ...
If you've been there you can relate to how "disorienting" these phases can feel. Because that's what it is ... a phase.
Every transition comes with big emotions: sadness and grief, existential loneliness ... I have digested them all and still am. But most importantly, I have made space for the feels. Highly uncomfortable but necessary.
With less then a 100 days before the year ends, I can look back and make the score. I had to take a few losses, manage disappointments but also, I can look forward and reflect on what I want to bring into next year. Which brings me to a concept I would like to introduce.
Introducing: The table of 10
A few weeks ago I met-up with a fellow-Belgian who I met at an event in South Africa. He himself travels between South Africa and Belgium, looking for ways to move there indefinitely. We don't really know each other and the only reason why we met-up was because we are helping each other navigate the jungle of nomad reality (aka visas, taxes and insurance).
We went for a long walk and after having discussed practicalities, I confided in him how disconnected I felt. And how I have been struggling with understanding what it all means. And he said something that sparked an idea. He asked me who I envision having a seat at my table of ten.
So for context, let me take you on a sidenote: Every house that I have ever lived in has always had a big table. In my world, the dining table should be the center piece of your living area. Even my "humble" apartment in Amsterdam had a big table where I could easily fit 10 people. It took over the whole apartment because who needs a couch anyway.
The diner table is a place were moments become memories, where plans are made, where ideas are exchanged, where there is space for laughter and tears. Hosting people is more then just inviting and entertaining guests. Rather it is all about creating space where conversations can take place that otherwise would not come to fruition.
And let it be just that what is lacking in our daily lives lately: the lack of space and the absence of invitations to sit at somebody's table. No wonder we are facing a loneliness epidemic.
But back to his question: Who is having a seat at my table of 10? Thinking about this made me really sad because I had to face the fact that I hardly receive invitations to go and sit at somebody's table.
There is a saying that states: it is in times of need where you truly know who your friends are (and yourself).
People will always show you who they are. And unfortunately I did not like what has been shown to me these past few months. I have been through a few very difficult moments and looking back on them, I had to face most of them alone. And this troubles me, because I wish I could write a different story. But you can't change what reality has showed you. You can only learn.
One thing that I have learned is this: Relationships require effort, time and space. Everything does in nature. If you stop watering the plants for example, they die. And the same holds true for friendships. When you stop investing time and effort, the connection fades. And what is friendship without connection?
But there is a catch because let's face it: We are all just very busy. We all have fully packed calendars, we need to book diners and lunches in advance, then priorities shift, live happens ... But don't you think the price for a "balanced" life is getting too high? Don't you think that our need for "efficiency" and "optimal time management" is taking away the exact things that facilitates connection?
This year I had to face the very confrontational mirror that many of my friendships are not reciprocal. And when you learn that, you can do two things. You can either disregard your own needs and keep investing in people who have shown you their priorities. Or you can accept it and move forward, not settling for less then what you want.
Hard fucking reality check. No fun and a fucking lonely process. But if it is one thing I have learned through life it is that I'd rather be alone then to be surrounded with things that are not real.
The only thing that I wanted was to be heard, to feel seen and to experience my friendships as a warm blanket during cold winter nights. In other words: I wanted to have a seat at their tables.
Unfortunately there was no table, just whatsapp messages with "Checking-in" or messages saying "Thinking of you. Let me know what you need!". All very well intended! But none of that could satisfy my deep need for connection so that I would feel less alone. I couldn't shake-off the feeling that I was part of somebody's to-do list.
I know I am speaking for a big group of people who feel the same. And let me ask you, dear reader, don't you miss having moments where you are being invited at somebody's table? How would you feel if you knew that at least once a month, you were invited to sit at a table?
It's little things like this that can make such a big difference in somebody's life. You give people something to hold on to, to look forward to. And in times with increasing uncertainty, we all need those ankers in place.
And if you can't do it monthly, book it quarterly, yearly ... but whatever the timeline, book it into the calendar, send out those invites and create space to facilitate "the table of 10".
Isn't that what you do as friends?
Back to school
On a completely other note ... Because I have had a lot of time on my hands, I have decided that the best way to grief is to invest. We all have our coping skills, mine is indulging on knowledge and feeding my brain.
So a few weeks ago I started school again. I have enrolled in a 3 years Masters Program in Clinical Neuro-Immunology. Over the summer, I took an exam, I passed and two week ago I finished my first 3 full days of lectures.
Surrounded by doctors, physiotherapists and nurses, I felt like a complete idiot at times. But I trust myself and my brain because that is why we go to school in the first place: to learn new things but also to build character (especially this part). Because it is so easy to talk yourself down when things don't go as planned.
For the next 3 years I will be studying the immune system and how brain and environment influence it. And with that, I am preparing myself for the future.
With 75% of diseases being preventable (according to recent studies) and just a small percentage of the medical system (5% to be exact) invested in prevention, I foresee so many opportunities in the health and wellness industry. So I have decided to learn to speak the language of our body, also known as endocrinology, so that I better understand what causes diseases.
Why is this relevant? Because mind and body are reflecting each other. We all know that stress has a big correlation with longevity and chronic diseases. Mindset is such a powerful tool. We can literally makes ourselves sick. But that same mechanism can be used to make ourselves stronger. And our bodies are guiding us through that process. Learning that language to facilitate communications between mind and body is the missing piece to be able to provide a full holistic service to my clients.
The good thing about this masters is that I don't have to be in a classroom if I don't want to. I have the option to take the classes online ... So I don't have to compromise my freedom. In other words: I don't have to settle just yet.
So what's next ...
During summer I was reminded that growth comes through adversity. And when you feel out of place, you have two options: You hold on to things hoping they would change (which never really happens and is the foundation for suffering) or you focus on your goals and you brave the wilderness (as Brenee Brown would say). I chose the latter ...
If you find yourself in a similar place, feeling lost or out of place, know this: it is an invitation towards something. And mostly it is all about taking yourself and your dreams more seriously. And so I decided to do just that ... Even though I have been feeling like a tiny human, I took a few giant steps.
It is a lonely road towards success, they say. But what they forgot to mention though is why. This is what I have learned so far: because it's scattered with failures and disappointments. And many of us give-up in the midst of the storm because they don't have the tools to navigate the storms. One of them is called Resilience!
This is why I have decided to relaunch "Becoming Unstoppable". Next week I will be launching a six weeks bootcamp to help you build resilience so that you can better navigate the challenges that life is throwing at you.
That being said, let me leave you with this ...
Success is the worst teacher because it's through adversities that you truly learn what you are made of. And most of the time you have to face challenges alone. But that does not mean you have to walk alone ...
I hope this letter will be an invitation to check-up on your friends. Make time, create space and invite them at your table! We are not designed to face hardships alone. Nobody should cry alone, nor should we feel alone and yet many of us do.
But it is at the table, while sharing food and wine, that space is created where stories are shared that make a difference. That's when you can cry together, laugh together and make plans together. That's were you cultivate lasting friendships that will make you live longer! Science says so too ...
See you soon!
Your host,
Ines
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